I know there’s more

There are certain people that I connect with. and I really don’t want to talk about it, but I can’t deny it either. We have words like intuition, gut feeling, creating patterns, but what if this skill was highly developed?

I am so sensitive. to touch, to sound, to emotion, to tone, to everything. Is there something ‘wrong’ or is there something really remarkable about that?

I don’t feel like I belong. I never have. This doubt about my existence has flared into despair and frustration. I just wonder if there is a community I can be a part of. I have met people in my life who get me, or who feel this other world too. Are there more people like this? Where are they?

I just deny that this is happening to me, or that this is who I am. But I know in my soul that I am different, and I can’t deny it anymore. I can live and adapt anymore. I have to just do me.

Free Thought

I told my boss today while were trying to get lost in the North Carolina countryside that I thought that I was a child and an adult. Like I had skipped a few of Chickering’s vectors on my way to who I am now.  I followed the rules my whole life, at least didn’t push the boundaries too much, too much control involved. I needed the control. I don’t know why I haven’t done drugs. Jon says that they can improve the quality of my life. I have never felt more alive this weekend. Connected and expressive, and full and whole. Life I could finally let myself out.

I was the adult in my upbringing. I have always been smarter or quicker than my mom. I have always been able to be a manipulator or adaptor. At home, in school, with friendships.  Control has always been it for me, controlling everything, ridding anything out of my life that I couldn’t be in control of.

I am hyper vigilant, I can read something in my soul, in my heart, and in my mind.

I can sense things, I can feel things, feel people, in ways that English has no way of describing. I can read a touch.

I don’t think I’m special, like in that everyone is special, or so they’re told. I don’t want to believe that I am special, like that admittance is polar opposite to who I am and want from life. Jon said he feels like we aren’t autistic, but special.  I’m quite certain I understand what he means by that, but don’t we all have the capacity to function in the space that I seem to, that he seems to, that Rob does, that Butch does. Don’t we all have the option to engage, to think bigger than ourselves, to disconnect from our own experiences, create pattern, input data, observe, to create ideas, to create the world that hasn’t been created yet?

Jon was talking last night about the walmart people. The people that don’t operate like us. Nature/Nurture. I wondered to him if they don’t have the foundation, whether that be through privilege or through trauma to have helped develop these skills or interest?

I don’t understand how people treat me, the words that they’re saying about how I live my life. I don’t want to seem self involved, but I want to know what they see, because (and Jon knows this) that I don’t see it in myself. I fall through life, and maybe that’s part of it. Laura says that doors open and I run through them, that doors open for everyone, but that I just go through them.

I am destined to do more. I grew up in a generation that was told that they could change the world. I know, literally know that I am going to change the world.

Bad Segway, but I also think people will think im crazy with everything that I know that is unexplained. I have dreams that come true. I have senses that don’t exist. I know this, because I experience it. I wondered to Jon whether all of this is just in my head, created due to defect, and he said it didn’t matter, that my world was incredible and there are people who share that world, can connect to it. I just don’t want to be classified as a crazy person. That sounds so simple, but it’s not. It’s not simple. I feel this other world pulling me in, or in turn im reaching out to it. Destined to do some incredible things, fully commit to leaving this world for the ability to accept the connections with the other.  How do I find a community full of people like me?